WINTERBOTTOM OF THE BARREL

Fantastic news and I don't think about the BBC's latest blah about investing mega millions in British film. Disagree all you want, but if you're a Scottish filmmaker I have two words for you.

Michael Winterbottom.

Crap as I am at arithmetic - apart from tallying up tips - it took less than five minutes on the BBC Films site to arrive at a very sorry total. Out of the 73 films they claim are theirs, guess how many have been even remotely Scottish? 5. You heard me - 5.

Mrs Brown (shot on the Isle of Man)
Regeneration (written by a distillery owner)
Ratcatcher (lucky Lynne)
Morvern Callar (not so lucky Lynne - where are you?)
Sweet Sixteen (Loach leaching Scottish Screen for the nth time)

That's your lot. No way am I counting Born Romantic (Scottish TV writer, David Kane and some expat cast - hello Craig Ferguson - it's as deeply stodgy and English as spotted dick)

In fact, the BBC has backed more films by Michael Winterbottom than it has an entire nation. Let's not bother ourselves that Northern Ireland fares better than Scotland, as does the US, no doubt because BBC Films, like our government, loves to stand shoulder-to-knee with the Hollywood majors. If you've ever met David Thompson in the flesh, you'll know what I mean.

Compare Michael's score -

Jude
In this World
Wonderland
The Claim
Code 46
A Cock and Bull Story

Never mind what I mean - it's what BBC Films means. Draw your own conclusions, but my guess is BBC Films is saying Scotland, you're a bunch of talentless losers. If track record is anything to go by, don't expect Trainspotting 2 or the Sins and Confessions of a Justified Sinner or the Killing of Joe Bananas anytime soon.

So if you're wondering where all this new found licence-payers cashola will end up (and let's not kid ourselves about that luvverly UK Film Council Lottery dosh that adds to the BBC's pile) - why not ask Michael Winterbottom's producer, Andrew Eaton? Busy guy. After all, doesn't he sit on the UKFC Board of Directors? Surprised he's got the time, being so popular with FilmFour as well.

Dontcha just love the internet?

Whenever I go to Alphabet (the best in town) to rent a DVD, I ask people, have you ever sat through, say, The Claim, and thought, great movie, I was deeply moved, public money well spent? All I get is a kind of double-glazed look and a two step back-off, like I'm an eejit. So I slouch back into the shelves and rent something decent, such as The Consequences of Love, a film this country could only ever dream of making. And I jump into my wee but sturdy Micra, in the lashing rain, thinking - no - hoping, that things can only get worse. That way I console myself because people can only ever rise up when times get this tough.

5 out of 73? Not far from 7:84 - and look where they are. That's us.