IRN BUROO

Hi diddley-dee, an actor's life for me.

You have to feel sorry for our actor chums. They can't all be Tom Cruise. Me, I'd sooner drop my drawers for St Johnstone's reserves than face the indignities of an audition. For instance, a friend of mine - and a very good actor - recently went up for an ad for a well-known soft drinks company about to launch a Red Bull-a-like. My friend, out of luck lately - and dropped by his agent - really needed the work - or rather the fat buy-out on offer. The only downside was the part required him to do a passable imitation of a psychotic cuckoo.

Meanwhile, the director of said ad, himself a prominent features director and obviously skint as well, guides my mate through the audition.

Picture the scene.

Director: That was great. But really, we'd like it a bit more 'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest'?

Actor: Fine, sure, absolutely.
(thinks - I can't be fucked with this)
He performs - cranking it up to 12.

Director: Yeah, much better. But d'you think you could just take it down a bit?
(thinks - Why am I doing this piece of shit? At this rate I'm kissing goodbye to Oscar)

Actor: Take it down?

Director: Just a smidge. And a bit more - flaps arms - y'know - physical?

Actor: Gotcha. I'm in the zone.
(thinks - guy's an arsehole. But I really need the gig)

He performs - giving it a Begsbie riff this time.

Director: Fucking brilliant.

Actor: Good, yeah. Felt a lot better.

Of course, my mate gets the job. A week later he gets cast as the lead in a major Channel 4 drama. He's still got to shoot the commercial though. As a psychotic cuckoo. Bummerama.