KEEP ON SUCKING

Why is so much about film got eff all to do with filmmaking?

With the climate for funding in the deep freeze, welcome to THE COURSE - the last refuge of the non/failed filmmaker. These parasites - adept at spamming - bombard us with more invitations than Chantelle's getting these days. Most of it's tosh but if you dress it up right - the words secret and insider are favourites - then anybody can cash in.

It's simple. You set up a course, say, 'The Insider's Guide to No/Lo Budget Filmmaking' or 'The Secrets of Successful Self-Distribution', invite along some complacent eejit who made a Lottery funded stiff in 1998 but who gives good anecdote, slap on a hefty fee and before you can say spam, you've tapped into a never ending line of hopeful wannabes ready to part with upwards of 700 quid in the delusion that they'll learn something.

Stand up - Screen International, (who don't even pay their speakers) Arista (who can't be arsed to tell you who's speaking) and the myriad other outfits, most of whom dip into public dosh as well as charge ludicrous fees. Maybe it's time I got in on the act. I'm sure if I set up say, Topless Tips on Bugger-all Budgets, I'd get a few takers, or rather, suckers.