SCOTTISH SCREEN SCRUBBED

The cute wee Cairn terrier's had the chop, replaced by an animal just as toothless.

The news that Scottish Screen is merging with the Scottish Arts Council is about as surprising as a ten pence lucky bag. Why else has boss, Ken Hay, been sitting on his arse since April last year? Apart from picking up his wageslip, he's let his belly rumble - the usual tosh - about Scottish Screen getting away from film, telling screenwriters that there's jobs aplenty in the games sector (gee, I didn't know they were hiring) and generally giving hee-haw to us filmmakers, while palming Lottery dosh to cash-starved Kirsty Wark and her ilk.

So what does it all mean? Creative Scotland, that's what. Forgive the sarcasm here but you'll have more luck getting money out of them than a tip off a Partick Thistle player on payday, because no doubt the 100 million quid annual price tag on this monster will be well-spent on the things filmmakers really need, such as pointless websites, chair polishers and fact-finding missions that naturally require 20 staff to attend Cannes, so yet again those dynamic executives can fail to announce their first Fast Forward feature, now only 20 months overdue.

So goodbye Scottish Screen. And no, we won't be having a whip-round for a wreath. As they say at many a cremation - shite disnae burn.

Talk about a mess - somebody shoot that dog.