THE SANITY CLAUSE

Here's a wee cautionary tale for all of you hard-working filmmakers out there.

A mate of mine (yes, I have a life, thank you) emailed me recently to say he's been offered a deal on his latest short - a slick, stylish and funny self-financed work of genius. What kind of deal? I ask. Oh, some satellite TV thing, he replied, a bit unsure. So he sends me the contract.

Now I'm no lawyer but even an empty crisp bag could tell this is a scam. For a start the 'contract' was badly laid out, mispelt, didn't have the parties listed, didn't have the actual company doing the deal listed, wasn't actually obliged to screen his movie, or state how many times it would screen it, didn't mention payment, and worse, asked for a fee of £49 to just look at my friend's film. All they wanted was my pal's autograph, being too shy to sign themselves.

Two minutes of googling threw up some answers. An outfit called Propeller TV invites you to submit, the contract is with another outfit, REM, loosely connected - according to what I found - to another venture, Real Shoppe, which, according to Digital Spy was pulled off channel 600-something on Sky. They have multiple addresses, multiple identities and no doubt multiple bank accounts.

This is hailed as a paragon of enterprise by none other than Skillset, that self-appointed, self-serving body that claims to 'enable' filmmakers. Shame on them. My mate worked hard to save for his own film, put it together with no support, gave breaks to other people, saw the whole thing through and the final result is brilliant. No help from Scottish Screen, because they don't return his calls. Now all he wants is a chance for other people to see the movie.

So where do outfits like Propeller get off, demanding money with empty promises, if not menaces? The answer's simple - they prey on aspiring filmmakers to build libraries of content. They don't give a fuck about my friend's film - or your film. They'll happily bank your £49 and your film and conditionally promise you 'exposure' to an audience. And the worst of it is, it won't happen. The Guardian reckons that audiences below Channel 200 sink to maybe 500 if you're lucky. All these robbers want is to say to some suit - we have a library of 5000 films - and float the company on the back of your unpaid labour. Then retire when they sell up to some conglom.

Fuck 'em, I say.

The moral of this? Burn your DVDs - not your fingers - sell them yourself, kids and long may your creativity advance capitalism in the direction of your own bank accounts, not theirs.