THE BRIT PACK

So that was the BAFTAs. When it comes to opening envelopes I’ve been more excited by my credit card statement. Even Judy Dench knew when she was licked, saying she’d already put her money on Helen Mirren for playing Her Maj in a TV movie. But good on Andrea Arnold for winning the Carl Foreman Award – and for saying she needs the money to fix her boiler. You’d never get anyone at the Oscars admitting that. Oh, the glamour of it all...

But how many of these films are really truly British? Virtually none. Okay, so The Queen’s a cheapo TV drama but it still took the combined efforts of these - mostly foreign - production companies to make it –

BIM Distribuzione
Canal+
France 3 Cinéma
Granada Film Productions
Pathé Pictures International
Pathé Renn Productions
Scott Rudin Productions

If ever a film could have been funded out the UK, The Queen was it. But like every other ‘British’ film, it needed a whole posse of so-called producers. The BAFTA stage was pretty crowded when the producers of the Last King of Scotland went up for their Best British Feature gong –

DNA Films
Fox Searchlight Pictures
FilmFour
Cowboy Films
Scottish Screen
Slate Films
Tatfilm
UK Film Council

No wonder it takes so long to get a film made in this country. Which makes you think – what does a producer do for a living? Out of the above list, how many companies actually put any money in the pot? You’ve got public funders, telly and a Hollywood mini-major chipping in, but somehow I doubt the rest did – even Kevin MacDonald’s brother, Andrew, whose DNA Films got £30 million of public money a few years back for a so-called ‘film franchise’ had to call in the Film Council to bail this one out. Like, did he eat the money or what?

I don’t get it. If I ran a widget factory, I wouldn’t hire a bunch of companies who can’t invest in my widgets interfering in my business. Besides, what do these ‘producers’ do all day? How many phone calls does it take to round up an actor or hire a crew? Don't eight 'production' companies need eight offices, eight loads of staff, eight lawyers and eight accountants?

And that’s not counting the fat fees all those non-investing parties pay themselves.

Doesn’t make sense for UK plc, does it? Not when multi-million quid ned-wear firm Burberry - not Pringle as I previously said - thank you to the person who SHOUTED IN CAPITALS to correct me - is making polo shirts in China. No coincidence that Burberry, the original sponsors of this year’s BAFTA party, pulled out because of protests threatened by redundant Welsh factory workers.

See comment below. Like the newspapers always get it right? She said sulkily...