DESPERATE MEASURES

Missed me?

I didn’t think so. While everybody else is blowing dust off their cross trainers and digging out that ab-sculptor they got in the Argos sale three years ago, I’m recovering from festive double shifts by munching cut-price Christmas choccies and getting hammered on cava. And I don’t plan on sobering up till February.

Still, January’s not all doom and gloom, not while Dougray Scott’s appearing in Desperate Housewives. Desperate Accents, more like. And just how crapola is the overhyped Ugly Betty? They ought to change the title to Insult-my-intelligence-why-don’t-you Betty and fire the eejit at Channel 4 who bought in this rubbish.

After my last post of 2006 on not-forthcoming attractions to look forward to, I was chuffed to see Brian Pendreigh’s piece in Scotland on Sunday -

scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com/entertainment.cfm?id=33552007

It goes like this – a bunch of chancers are claiming they’re raring to go on a screen version of Embra’s favourite baldy, Irvine Welsh’s ‘Ecstasy’. Only they’re not. If you read the ‘lively’ comments on IMDB, then do a bit of digging on the people involved, you’ll find as I did that this movie, with a rumoured budget of £6.5 million, is about as likely to happen as Rangers winning anything this season. Apart from mass deportation orders.

The beef seems to be that some Scottish crew got hired. Then got fired. Judging by the mud-slinging on IMDB, they’re not taking it well. Do I have any sympathy? Not really. Because with thirteen Canadian producers – I know, a joke in search of a punchline – it ought to have been obvious to anybody that this was a total disaster from the off. Especially when none of said producers – or the director for that matter - have any previous credits. Seems they’re more interested in the soundtrack than actually turning up here with a camera.

Now I may be naïve about film finance, but even I know you can’t raise £6.5 million on the back of Greg Hemphill or Ford Kiernan. No offence guys, but for that kind of money I expect to see some starrier stars in my movie, not a pair of parochial telly tarts who think pishing in a lift rates as knee-slapping comedy.

As for Billy Boyd, cute as he was as a Hobbit, he’s not going to draw the punters, never mind the money men. Neither will Richard E. Grant, who ought be ashamed to show his face back here after his performance in The Match. Where’s Dougray when we need him? Still, it could be worse. I mean, they could have attached Bobby Carlyle…