MINCE PIES ON THE PRIZE

It’s January 2007 and I’m in my local bank for a friendly chat with the manager. As he pores over my statement with a sorry shake of the head, I give him the following line –

“What overdraft? Have you never heard of a historic deficit?’

Christmas came early today as almost two million quid was handed out to Scottish Ballet (300K) and the Royal Scottish National Orchestra (£1.4 million) by the Scottish Executive, keeping the debt-ridden companies out of the workhouse.

Nice to see Patricia Ferguson coming over all nice and cuddly, especially after (and in a piece of totally bammy logic) announcing the nation’s cultural success has risen by 3%. But can I find the list of 140 Scottish successes she claims credit for? Not a chance, not even on the Executive’s own website.

Also nice to see the local papers putting the boot in while milking Gordon Ramsay, ‘Doctor’ Gillian McKeith and various other slebby toerags for an effort-free headline. Yep, out rolled every five-year plan, tractor and Joe Stalin cliché in the book. And quite right too. After my Ode to Jack (below) it’s laughable that the Minister thinks cultural success can be tallied in the same way as, say, the overspend on the Holyrood Parliament building or the amount of expenses claimed for MSP’s taxis.

And since when did a nomination for some award count as a success? You only have to look at the rising numbers of gongs in this country, everything from Best Steak Pie -

sfmta.co.uk/index.php?ID=1500&CATEGORY2=B-Best%20Pies

to Best Corporate Entertainment

www.maximillion.co.uk/about/info.asp?p=29

And you’ll see what I mean. I don’t need to go on, do I? Because if it’s true that nominations matter then surely the answer’s effingly and blindingly obvious. Create more awards, so we can all be a success and Patricia Ferguson won’t just meet her target, she’ll hit the bullseye, too.

And the reason for her sudden generosity? Surely nothing to do with cutting the ballet and orchestra out of Creative Scotland? No, according to the Executive, the debts run up by the two companies are "historic deficits". Historic deficits? Good one, guys. Now I know what to tell the bank manager. Now where's my Christmas shopping list...