PAUSE AND EJECT

Once upon a time in a faraway place, a wee, tiny film agency with no money had a big dream: to help filmmakers, especially those who had made shorts but who needed a leg up the greasy pole to make a big feature. But the wee, tiny agency couldn't do it alone, so they asked their friends in the big world of television and cinema distribution to help out. And what joy there was when the friends agreed!! To celebrate, they all went to a foreign land where all the world's filmmakers gathered and threw a party, so they could tell them all about their BIG IDEA. And many people, including politicians, marvelled at the initiative and generosity of it all. Next year, said the wee, tiny agency, we'll make a big announcement of the first of these films, for there would be three, three being the magic number. Over three years.

But was time was short so the wee, tiny agency needed to be quick. They had to find all of those sad little filmmakers who needed help. But they needn't have worried because before they could say 'contractual obligation', many hundred of people arrived, freely offering their very best ideas for wonderful and beautiful films. Which was good, because the wee, tiny agency didn't want films that were nasty or wicked. Their watchword was 'upbeat', a good word, a word that kept evil at bay. It also pleased their friends in the big world of television and cinema distribution, who also hated the dark and miserable films made in this faraway country.

And so a shortlist was duly drawn. Only the very best ideas were welcomed by the wee, tiny agency. And only the very best people. So generous was the wee, tiny agency that they even allowed ideas with only a writer involved. This, they decided, was only good and just. And the filmmakers rejoiced. The chosen were given bags of money and more valuable, the good counsel of the wee, tiny agency, helped by their television and cinema friends. And so the scripts were written. And to protect the poor filmmakers, the wee, tiny agency kept all the rights, in the unlikely event that a savvy and well-funded producer might come and steal the best script and make the beautiful film.

Time passed. And the scripts were written. But sadly some were not as good or wonderful or beautiful and had to be banished. This left only a few scripts, but this was good because it meant that more time, love and wisdom could be poured into them from the good people in the wee, tiny agency because it was only the very best script with the very best people that would win the golden prize.

And more time passed. And the wee, tiny agency made an even shorter list, to be certain that only the best script was chosen. Even the script with no people involved survived, to everyone's surprise. The only problem was that time conspired to pass even quicker than anyone realised. They had promised to announce the winner in that foreign land exactly a year from the date they made their first joyous declaration. Oh no!! But they need not have worried, because their friends from the big world of television and cinema kept their secret. Surely it was better to wait until a truly deserving winner could be announced? And so it was decided but in the end it didn't matter too much because the foreign land, with its many filmmakers didn't notice the wee, tiny agency's unfulfilled promise. And so much embarrassment was avoided.

Then, disaster. The wee, tiny agency's friend in cinema distribution had problems and in the wink of a press release, vanished from sight. Oh no!! What would happen now? All too soon, the wee, tiny agency was worried - and worse than that - the beautiful scripts began to look a little tired, ugly even. Now they were down to only three contenders and none was good enough for the friend in television, on whom they relied for money as well as invaluable creative support. What to do?

Acting fast, the wee tiny agency had an idea. Let's bring in more filmmakers, they said, even the ones who had already made big features. Because, they reasoned, they have the knowledge and experience we seek and we know they want to help for the good of these beautiful, wonderful, upbeat scripts, so they will be happy to work for free. And if they rise to the challenge, we will reward them handsomely with the chance to make the films.

The only flaw was that only one film would be made, so they knew they would be asking two wise and experienced filmmakers to work for free. Not a problem!! the wee, tiny agency decided, because we know these good but poor filmmakers will be pleased to sacrifice their time and effort, for if they succeed they will earn more than they will by working as a sales associate in TK Maxx. Everyone, they concluded, should welcome this opportunity for good and beautiful films are priceless. But many of the wise and experienced filmmakers said no, they would not rise to the challenge, for they were indeed wise, knowing that a call centre pays seven pounds an hour, riches greater than those offered by the wee, tiny agency.

And more time passed - almost two years - and sadly no film has yet been made, for it must be more wonderful and more beautiful than any other film. Sure of its aim, the wee, tiny agency repeated its plea for good, upbeat scripts this year, certain of it's quest to help filmmakers. It may not have reached its destination yet, for the road is rocky and long indeed. And as the poor filmmakers gather to watch as the wee, tiny agency struggles on its journey, they all wave and bid it a fond farewell.