A MATTER OF FACT

Going to the movies isn't as much fun as it used to be. The parking. The queues. The overpriced tickets. The wee sticker they put on your extortionately-priced sweetie bag that says you're a thief. The non-stop chat through the trailers. The smelly trainers planted on the empty seat back beside you. The Orange adverts.

But there's something worse than all of the above - and it's FACT.

The Federation Against Copyright Theft is a self-appointed outfit that protects their members from video and DVD piracy. A few years ago they ran an advert (think BBC cop show) featuring a skanky market trader selling dodgy VHS tapes. At the time it was mildly amusing until we got a darker, blunter message - that piracy funds terrorism, drug dealing and prostitution - and it's your fault.

FACT's latest effort is thankfully softer by telling us the effing obvious about the poor quality of pirated DVDs. Maybe somebody should tell them that there's no point in putting up a phone number when we've already been ordered to switch ours off. Oh, and we're also supposed to grass up any suspicious looking guy pointing a camcorder at the screen - yeah, like an underpaid usherette is ready to take on a dangerous and possibly violent pirate singlehandedly - still, it might make for better entertainment than the movie.

Personally I think it's a close call between giving money to pirates or giving it to bloated multi-nationals who accuse us of criminality when we've paid good money just to see a flick. Maybe it's time I bought into home cinema - the popcorn would be a lot cheaper too.