BA (HONS) AMONG THIEVES

Things must be bad when even a nonentity like yours truly finds their inbox stuffed with begging emails. These come mostly from hopeful graduates telling me how in exchange for a bottom-rung job in the film and TV biz they can – quote – make a mean cup of tea, as if that’s something to be proud of after three or four years of expensive education.

Yep, folks – up and down the country academe is busily ejecting yet another bunch of film and media graduates now burdened with five figure debts and with virtually no prospect of a job in the business. And whose fault is that? Well, not having enough fingers to point at them all, I’d say the blame lies with educational institutions who care more about making up numbers and building their brands than providing a useful experience for the saps they snare with a prospectus full of wishful thinking if not downright lies. Been there.

Isn’t it about time somebody set up a crap college/useless university website? I know more than a few people who would be only too glad to get post-graduate grievances off their tits. Maybe that way those punters thinking about signing up could get some real information about what they’re in for, instead of falling for the rubbish universities and colleges tell them.

Top of my list would be the teaching staff – who on your average film/TV course means some loser who made a couple of dire shorts about ten years ago but who never quite got a feature made because they realised that drinking/getting stoned/watching daytime TV was more fun than filmmaking. Next on the list is the technical staff, the guys who pull their cagoules on and rush out the door on at five on the dot but somehow manage a nice sideline in weddings or their mate’s bands videos, which means you can never get your hands on any kit when it comes to your graduation piece. I mean, how many times can the only 'good' camera be in for a service?

Throw in some pointless ‘course’ work eg. ‘Representations of the Working Class in Scottish Cinema’, in other words, a waste of a term, because none of the staff has a clue what else to do with the students but they need to tick a box to justify next year’s funding – and their salaries. Repeat for four years and – ta-ra – you too can come out the other end with a crappy 2:2 in Moving Image Culture and join the queue at the local Jobcentre Plus to find a way to dig a hole in your fifteen grand debt.

And no, don’t be tempted by those post-graduate courses. There’s already enough rubbish scripts/short films to go round so why prolong the pain? If after all this, you’re still burning to make movies, then you’ll find a way to do it. It’s just a pity that our educational institutions don’t tell you that your fifteen grand would have been better spent on some kit and a flight to LA, because at least there nobody asks - or cares - if you’ve got a BA or HND in being broke.