SHAME, SHAME, SHANE

Only in your worst nightmare could you find yourself waking up next to this bloater. Is it just me or is there really any point to Shane Meadows? And the same could be said about his latest piece of filmmaking, This Is England, which opens today at the pictures.

Don't all rush.

Pointless because every couple of years he makes the same film, usually involving a troubled kid who gets adopted by someone alongside a 2D psycho, which only makes you think Shane’s got an absent father complex going on because he insists on making films-as-therapy so he can inflict his problems on the rest of us. Even when he’s dealing with grown-ups, like in Dead Man’s Shoes, Shane's characters come over as emotional retards. And because Shane usually gives up on plot about half way through, his movies end up in a fight or a mass killing since he can’t think up a better ending.

If I want to watch ugly bad tempered guys being violent, I’ll go to an Old Firm game, not waste my money on a Shane Meadows movie. So how come he keeps getting the funding to make this guff you may wonder? Well, speaking of male inadequacy, maybe it’s because middle-class eejits at FilmFour – the types who fancy themselves as being a bit hard and down with the lads - actually believe Shane’s films paint a realistic picture of working class England. Yeah, about as realistic as Jordan's tits. After all, they’ve backed his last three films, along with enough public money to choke the Channel Tunnel.

This Is England is just another gloomy skinhead flick where we’re meant to be interested in watching a bunch of bad haircuts in too-short trousers hurl abuse at each other until one of them (yawn) gets their come-uppance. So what if he goes on about Pakis 'smelling of curry', like, are we meant to be shocked? Shane’s storytelling's about as predictable as a fire in a Paisley nightclub. And anyway, Alan Clarke did it much better back in 1982 with Made in Britain.

Maybe it’s being Scottish that makes me hate his films, but really, who gives a toss? Like his fellow-countryman, Michael Winterbottom, Shane’s carved a nice career for himself by making serial box office stiffs but somehow manages to stay bulletproof. But if Shane’s so good then ask yourself this - how come you can’t find a pirate copy of any of his movies?

Peter Bradshaw’s write-up for TIE in today’s Guardian is way too polite but reading between the lines you get the feeling that he’d rather be watching something else. Like paint dry. The best you can say for TIE is at least rodent-faced Paddy Considine’s not in it. Oi!