NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS

Thanks to the reader who sent me this –

www.theherald.co.uk/features/76906.html

Déjà vu or what? Phil Miller’s piece in the Herald echoes pretty much all the stuff I’ve been saying about the paralyzed state of Scottish film. I just hope he gets some feedback because if true to form, Scottish filmmakers will do their usual mute trick and say nothing. I suspect it’s not that filmmakers don’t care, more to do with not wanting to upset their public paymasters for fear of having their applications for funding ‘mislaid’. Not that you need to criticise the funders for that to happen.

Miller makes the comparison with Scotland’s five big cultural companies – two orchestras, a ballet, an opera and a theatre. But what he doesn’t say is that unlike, say, the National Theatre of Scotland, with its annual budget of double what Scottish Screen gets, the NTS doesn’t have to sell out its performances in order to get the gig. The problem is SS doesn't make anything, yet under their guidelines, filmmakers must have a guaranteed outlet for their work in the shape of a distributor, crudely the equivalent of making a sell-out movie and having the winning numbers for the Lottery all in one go. What's more they do this on their own, because SS has no sway over the film industry, no route to cinemas and no dealmaking chops.

And unlike all the other big national companies, cinemas aren’t subsidised to the same level – certainly not the multiplexes. The arthouse venues are great, but there’s just too few of them to go round and even then the likes of the GFT has to screen movies just to get bums on seats and not for their own sake.

Just like filmmakers, journalists need to be wary of upsetting the great and the good, so Mr Miller was at pains not to wag the finger too hard at SS. But reading Ken Hay’s interview in today’s allmediascotland, you get the impression that rather than support film at a time when there’s virtually nothing being made, he’s already got his feet under the table at Creative Scotland. In fact, wasn’t it the Herald who mentioned something earlier this year about Hay seen to be vying for the top job at CS?

Elsewhere, in another of those fantastic non stories, the news section of the Herald includes a piece by Brian Pendreigh about a ‘film’ (like it’s been shot already) that ‘may’ get made, this time about a meeting between John Lennon and a minister from up north, which as film ideas go, sounds like a bit of non story itself. Oh, and like so many other films not being made, it won't star Robert Carlyle (above).

Not again, I’m thinking, another ‘film’ that won’t get made here, adding to a long list of films that will never get made in Scotland, like the much-talked about Paul Ferris story (not starring Robert Carlyle), The Benny Lynch Story (also not starring Robert Carlyle) The Sins and Confessions of a Justified Sinner, Sunset Song, Lanark and the one about the safecracker...

How sad can it get? Meanwhile, in a fanfare of confidence and optimism, the Irish Film Board has just announced their production list for next year - nine feature films. And just how many are being made in Scotland? If any of you dear readers know the answer, I’d love to hear from you…

CULTURE CLUB

What better time than the season of hibernation and office parties to announce the long awaited draft Culture Bill, you might ask? It may be less of a launch than a sneak out the back door, still I bet Patricia Ferguson’s keeping her fingers crossed that nobody will pay attention to the 65 page document, let alone comment on it.

I’m more intrigued by the organisations and companies listed at the back. Or rather, who’s not. At the centre of this cultural shake-up is the scrapping of Scottish Screen, the only agency in the country with a remit for things film, so it’s bound to have an impact on anybody involved in the business.

But can I find a single independent production company or filmmaker on the Executive’s distribution list? No, but every two-bit theatre and dance company in the country gets a namecheck, along with some of the nation’s more obscure arty outfits, such as the Wigtonshire Guild of Spinners, Dyers and Weavers or the International Feltmakers Association. And a load of charities.

This speaks volumes about the status of film. First, because it shows the apathy of Scotland’s filmmakers who, with some justification (and day jobs) don’t give a shit about Creative Scotland. Why should we? We’ve already got an agency that makes our lives miserable by raising the bar impossibly high for would-be applicants. We don’t need another, bigger, more expensive one.

Most production companies limp along from one low budget TV gig to the next, scratching the odd bit of funding wherever they can. The rest keep up the pretence of being in the film business, when all they’ve got is a camcorder and a few mates to indulge their hobby. Unlike their theatrical counterparts, who are experts at shaking down the Scottish Arts Council, filmmakers are more likely to get a knockback – and that’s after a load of work, such as writing the script and bringing in the biggest chunk of the budget before they're even allowed near an application form.

Second, having ignored filmmakers and keeping them out of the loop, Scottish Screen’s website now has boss, Ken Hay, begging for responses to the draft bill.

“We would encourage everyone who cares about the future of the screen and creative industries in Scotland to read and respond to this consultation document. This is our opportunity to place film and the wider screen industries at the heart of the creative life of Scotland.”

Yeah, we’ll get right on it, Ken. It’s not like all us unemployed filmmakers have anything better to do. But it might help if politicians could meet us halfway. If they really want us to help them to ‘inform the development of a particular policy’, then the least they can do is a bit of homework to find out why there’s virtually no films getting made in this country. Besides, the terms of the so-called consultation have no relevance for anybody working in film or telly, and like the failed Cultural Commission a couple of years back, I doubt they’ll get much of a response.

After the hoo-ha over the Scottish Film Lobby earlier this year, now strangely off the political menu, it’s business as usual at Holyrood, where MSPs and public servants barely know how to work a DVD player, never mind get to grips with the film industry. You only have to look at the new UK tax legislation for film to know how the Treasury’s managed to fuck it up, so what chance of the Executive understanding the business?

Yet politicians are quick off the mark to claim credit any time a Scottish film breaks out and wins a prize somewhere, just like they love to line up with what passes for celebrity here, riding the talent by using them to sell Scotland as some kind of cultural oasis, as Ms Ferguson did recently with her famous list of 'successes'. Some of us remember Frank McAveety hobnobbing at the Cannes Film Festival a couple of years back.

Oh, and isn’t there the small problem of an election next year? With any luck, Creative Scotland will go the way of the last four culture ministers, presumably out the back door.

MINCE PIES ON THE PRIZE

It’s January 2007 and I’m in my local bank for a friendly chat with the manager. As he pores over my statement with a sorry shake of the head, I give him the following line –

“What overdraft? Have you never heard of a historic deficit?’

Christmas came early today as almost two million quid was handed out to Scottish Ballet (300K) and the Royal Scottish National Orchestra (£1.4 million) by the Scottish Executive, keeping the debt-ridden companies out of the workhouse.

Nice to see Patricia Ferguson coming over all nice and cuddly, especially after (and in a piece of totally bammy logic) announcing the nation’s cultural success has risen by 3%. But can I find the list of 140 Scottish successes she claims credit for? Not a chance, not even on the Executive’s own website.

Also nice to see the local papers putting the boot in while milking Gordon Ramsay, ‘Doctor’ Gillian McKeith and various other slebby toerags for an effort-free headline. Yep, out rolled every five-year plan, tractor and Joe Stalin cliché in the book. And quite right too. After my Ode to Jack (below) it’s laughable that the Minister thinks cultural success can be tallied in the same way as, say, the overspend on the Holyrood Parliament building or the amount of expenses claimed for MSP’s taxis.

And since when did a nomination for some award count as a success? You only have to look at the rising numbers of gongs in this country, everything from Best Steak Pie -

sfmta.co.uk/index.php?ID=1500&CATEGORY2=B-Best%20Pies

to Best Corporate Entertainment

www.maximillion.co.uk/about/info.asp?p=29

And you’ll see what I mean. I don’t need to go on, do I? Because if it’s true that nominations matter then surely the answer’s effingly and blindingly obvious. Create more awards, so we can all be a success and Patricia Ferguson won’t just meet her target, she’ll hit the bullseye, too.

And the reason for her sudden generosity? Surely nothing to do with cutting the ballet and orchestra out of Creative Scotland? No, according to the Executive, the debts run up by the two companies are "historic deficits". Historic deficits? Good one, guys. Now I know what to tell the bank manager. Now where's my Christmas shopping list...