JOBS GALORE AT WEST GEORGE STREET

This key appointment to Scotland's leading public sector screen agency requires a person of the highest calibre to evolve an appropriate and innovative strategy for increasing and improving all aspects of the screen industries sector and to implement the aims and objectives of the Board towards delivery of and providing a focus for screen, digital and interactive media. Applicants must have extensive development experience within the aforementioned environments and their actual or potential applications. You must possess excellent communication skills, line management and project management experience with...

Aw, shut it.

This lightly paraphrased job ad appeared in this week's Guardian. For an organisation that does hee-haw for filmmakers, can anyone tell me why Scottish Screen needs to take on more staff? Still, sounds like the ideal gig for a numpty non-filmmaker with a 2:2 in Arts Admin from Caledonian Uni.

Which is what they'll hire, I'll bet. Hope they know the recipe for coffee.

FILMMAKER'S ANONYMOUS

My name is Leanne and I'm an idiot.

Isn't it time we filmmakers had a 12-step programme of our own?

I mean, why bother with Sundance when you can freeze your ass off in Glasgow? Which is where I was yesterday, on a video shoot so badly organised it failed the tape and food test. Here I met a bunch of other aspiring filmmakers, all of us prepared to toss away the entire Sunday. To do what exactly? Feel part of the action? To delude ourselves that four years squandered on a worthless media course wasn't a complete waste of time?

I have a toxic feeling about this, a kind of self-loathing. But like a crack habit or Creme Eggs in January, the idea of making movies is just too irresistible. You know you shouldn't, but when you get the call - hey, how d'you fancy shooting a short/charity vid/live band - you turn up, hang around for hours on end, buy your own coffee and maybe, if you're lucky, get to carry a camcorder or nip to the shops for a pack of batteries, then be forced to haggle for reimbursement. In fact, being a crack addict is probably less work and more fun. Creme Eggs are cheaper.

I think I've spotted a trend here - the multi-tasking wannabe. Everyone I meet these days can do everything. Badly. They all write scripts, they know where the on button is on a camcorder, they can swing a mean boom and edit a movie. Most of them can act too. That none of them can raise any money to make a film and pay themselves something more than crisps confirms to me that filmmaking reigns as the UK's biggest not-for-profit business.

One day at a time, indeedy. Just don't make it a 12 hour one on a shitey no-budget shoot.

SCOTTISH SCREEN SCRUBBED

The cute wee Cairn terrier's had the chop, replaced by an animal just as toothless.

The news that Scottish Screen is merging with the Scottish Arts Council is about as surprising as a ten pence lucky bag. Why else has boss, Ken Hay, been sitting on his arse since April last year? Apart from picking up his wageslip, he's let his belly rumble - the usual tosh - about Scottish Screen getting away from film, telling screenwriters that there's jobs aplenty in the games sector (gee, I didn't know they were hiring) and generally giving hee-haw to us filmmakers, while palming Lottery dosh to cash-starved Kirsty Wark and her ilk.

So what does it all mean? Creative Scotland, that's what. Forgive the sarcasm here but you'll have more luck getting money out of them than a tip off a Partick Thistle player on payday, because no doubt the 100 million quid annual price tag on this monster will be well-spent on the things filmmakers really need, such as pointless websites, chair polishers and fact-finding missions that naturally require 20 staff to attend Cannes, so yet again those dynamic executives can fail to announce their first Fast Forward feature, now only 20 months overdue.

So goodbye Scottish Screen. And no, we won't be having a whip-round for a wreath. As they say at many a cremation - shite disnae burn.

Talk about a mess - somebody shoot that dog.

AN A-Z OF SCOTTISH FILM

HoD:
What you carry pricks - sorry - bricks in.

Harry Potter:
As in getting your... instant dismissal.

HMI:
Blowing the budget at the speed of light.

Hand-held:
Form of self abuse.

Honeywagon:
Shit catering, shit hours, shit pay, shit here.

Hope Street:
Where Glasgow filmmakers live.

House of Sher:
Glasgow's premier prop house - see The Prop Store.

Hammerhead:
Home of the U-Matic.

To be continued...

TOP TEN RESOLUTIONS

And a Happy New Year to you too.

Mine came while stood on a rooftop with a tumbler of sherry and a bit of bun, feeling like Mrs Nero while Auld Reekie went up in smoke after the fireworks.

So while I'm still in the mood, here's my top ten resolutions for 2006.

Take up smoking. Scotland bans the evil weed in March.
Never eat anything bigger than my head.
Stop moaning about the film business.
Have more sex - a great excuse to smoke.
Remember that chocolate is a drug. Just say no.
A girl can never be too blonde.
Lose Harvey Nicks' address.
Remember that until it's sold, it's a first draft.
Don't get an agent. Life's tragic enough.
Keep smiling - the whole point of teeth whitening.

And not that long till the Year of the Dog. I mean to say...