AXE THE QUESTION

All last week The Scotsman ran ‘The 20 Greatest Scottish Movie Moments’, chosen by various film pundits, including the critic Alistair Harkness, he being no stranger to my stats.

thescotsman.scotsman.com/features.cfm?id=445412007

And the movie moment that topped the list? The red telephone box ringing at the end of Bill Forsyth’s Local Hero, a film made nearly 25 years ago.

I might as well pack up now.

Where was Breaking the Waves, I wonder? Or The Maggie? Or Michael Powell’s I Know Where I’m Going or The Edge of the World? Or Stephen McCole’s infamous ‘Bawbag’ line out of Rushmore? Or even Shrek for that matter – since the inclusion of ‘I Married an Axe Murderer’ in the list is pushing it a bit.

If nothing else, the list just shows up the poverty-stricken list of films the panel had to choose from – over a century’s worth. Which only leads you to think – where do Scottish filmmakers end up? They sure ain’t getting any work here. I’ve heard of only one film being shot in Scotland this year so far and even that’s not home-grown.

Is there an answer? Well, not as long as politicians and agencies keep believing we’re incapable of turning out a decent movie, which presumably is why they’d rather put the welcome mat out for Hollywood than the red carpet for their own filmmakers.

Maybe it’s time to cuddle up to Stewart Maxwell, the SNP Shadow Culture Minister and try to persuade him that a few tax breaks are what’s needed to bring us in line with the Irish system. And bury the Culture Bill while he’s at it – the last thing filmmakers need is even more committee-sitters coining it while our screens are blank.

ECCE HOMO

What oh what is the point of IMDB, I wonder? That is, apart from trying to mug ‘film professionals’ by urging them to sign on for their IMDB Pro service by taking an imprint of your plastic then after a free fortnight, charging a 100 bucks a year for information you can find elsewhere for nowt.

Well, come to think of it, if you’re a wannabe filmmaker or even just a fantasist, you can pretty much carve a career on IMDB without ever having to make a movie. And that’s got to be worth cash money.

For weeks now I’ve been checking into the website’s message board to read the latest on the phantom film of Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy. And judging by the bizarre exchanges going on – multiple deleted messages, flaming a go-go, rants and insults - it’s a lot more intriguing and entertaining than the book ever was. A while back, Scottish film hack, Brian Pendreigh, wrote a piece in the Sunday rags here (that I reported on) on the mystery surrounding the project, and how several Scottish crew were sacked – before the film even went into pre-production.

www.imdb.com/title/tt0462269/

If you’ve ever seen Living in Oblivion, you’ll know what I mean. Ecstasy was due to start shooting in Edinburgh this month, but it seems, like a few tabs of eccy, the dates have been pushed – and pushed – so much that nobody knows what the eff’s going on. Deciphering the message boards, the latest I can tell you is that it’s now filming in Hungary in May, sorry - make that Scotland again - and boo-hoo, Billy Boyd’s no longer attached, but to make up for it they’ve got Karen Dunbar (and no, none of you south of the border know who she is, so count yourself lucky) and Gary ‘Gangs of New York’ Lewis in bit parts. Oh, and Howard Marks in a cameo spot as a ‘senior airport security man’ – genius casting – if only any of it was true.

As for the credit roll, how’s this for a list of ‘producers’?

John Board
Marc Booth
Joni Cuquet
Olivier Farcouli
Cinzia Genuardi
Sershen Govender
Jonas Grossman
Michael Heydon
Paul Heydon
Rob Heydon
Allan Levine
Allan Levine - also line producer
Ashley Pover
Keith Wyatt

And we think cheapo UK flicks are overrun with producers?

Not to mention the four screenwriters and three story editors, who like the producers, all seem to be related to each other. Are they fantasists? Well, digging deeper, it turns out that the multi-talented writer, co-producer and director of this slice of fiction, Rob Heydon, along with his dad and his brother are more interested in PR, hosting parties and compiling a wishlist of music tracks than actually getting behind a camera. According to the one item on the sad ‘director’s blog’, they’ve been partying everywhere from Sundance to Miami to ‘meet with talent’ and generally bullshit to anyone who’ll listen about how this one’s a definite goer.

And maybe this is the point of IMDB. What better way to get people like me talking about this ‘£6 million film’ than to post up on an official film site, wind people up enough to get them to shout and bawl on the messageboard? If Rob ever makes it over from Canada, then I’ll be the first to welcome him. Assuming he ever gets off the drugs…

BIRDS EYE STEW

Still on the subject of women in film - is there such a thing as a celluloid ceiling? Yes, according to this item -

film.guardian.co.uk/features/featurepages/0,,2025932,00.html

Not sure what to make of this one. For a start, I’d like to know where they’re getting their figures from – that only 7% of UK filmmakers – by which they mean directors – are female. And that only 12% of screenwriters are women too. How does anybody know for sure the numbers of females out there making – or not making – films?

The piece is a plug for Bird’s Eye View, a film festival celebrating women filmmakers. While it’s great to see us girls get a platform for our work, I fail to see why they’re getting their knickers in a twist. Bird’s Eye View director, Rachel Millward, blames the clash between raising children and the culture of film – as she says, 'Working insane hours, filming on location, the insecurity of the job.'

Big deal. I ask myself – is this any different from what any other group of working women have to put up with? Okay, the location filming might be a bit tricky, but so is working as a sales rep for a cosmetics company, a jobbing musician or an airline stewardess – only they don’t bitch about it. Call me an anti-feminist but it’s really simple - if a woman wants/needs to work, fine, but don’t moan about not being there for the kids. Women are not superhuman, even if some of them think they are.

Watching Allison Ander’s film Grace of my Heart on telly a while back, I noticed buried in the end credits a thank you to her six child minders. and no, I'm not making it up. Which got me thinking – would a male director who happened to be a father ever put up a caption like that? No, they would have been laughed at. So maybe the problem lies less with the way women in film are treated by the business but more on the way they say want to be treated – and what they say is that in some cases they want to be mothers first and film directors second. Not a great sell, is it? ‘I’d love to direct your picture but right now I need to buy Huggies/express some milk/read the nippers a bedtime story? If I were a producer, I’d think twice about hiring a woman.

If I sound hard-faced, maybe you need to ask one of the many female UK film producers why there’s so few female directors. God knows, there’s enough of them to go round – Andrea Calderwood, Alison Owen, Rebecca O’Brien, Ruth Caleb, Robyn Slovo, Gillian Berry, Margaret Mathieson – to name a few. The fact they outnumber women directors surely shows up their unsisterly bias because they sure ain’t hiring out of their own gender pool.

For Gurinder ‘Bend it Like Beckham’ Chadha to bemoan the lack of opportunities for women filmmakers smacks of condescension, especially when she’s carved a such a lucrative niche for herself. Like – ‘I’m dead successful but I’ve suffered prejudice too’ – when for years she’s traded on prejudice by declaring herself a one-woman positive discrimination case. You can’t have it both ways – either you’re shut out of the club or you’re not. And you’re not, Gurinder, you're helming in Hollywood – so count yourself lucky and shut up.

What these women seem to forget is that the film business is every bit as hard for men. And if, as the article claims, it’s soooo much easier to get a job in the States, then how come only seven per cent of American directors are female too? Has it ever occurred to them that these figures only reinforce the fact that very few women really want to direct? Maybe if women moaned a little less and fought a little more we might get some movies made. It worked for Leni Riefenstahl...