A-WOP-BOP-A-LOSER

How much do you think this charming couple are costing you, the taxpayer? 100K? 200K? How about getting on for half a million? More?

Is it just me or has UK Culture PLC hit rock bottom when it comes to new ideas? A while back I blogged on the recycling of duff old TV comedies as duff new movies. You wouldn’t mind if they were funny but they’re not. The same applies to old TV dramas. You wouldn’t mind if they were dramatic, but they’re not, and not when the collective cultural wisdom – whoever they are – insist in churning out film after film based on the old play, the old book or the old TV show.

But it seems the traffic’s two-way. The National Theatre of Scotland's current staging of John Byrne’s 80’s TV series Tutti Frutti boasts a cast and crew of thousands and a set as ugly as Robbie Coltrane’s arse in houndstooth check pants and nearly as big. From what I saw of it (the play, not the arse) on a BBC Scotland arts programme last week, it looks less like high profile national theatre than amateur night at the Glasgow King’s where all the actors TALK LIKE THAT to each other, with dialogue not matched for spell-it-out crapiness since Tony Roper’s ‘The Steamie’. All that’s missing is a couple of couthy windae-hingers tossing jeely pieces out the top floor window of a Glesga slum.

By way of justification for reviving this rubbish, the NTS say it’s partly because the series was never repeated by the BBC and so holds a mythical status for the audience. Well they never repeated The Singing Detective either, but nobody, thank God, is threatening to stage Dennis Potter’s brandy-and-diamorphine fuelled masturbatory rant. The reason I think they’ve opted for Tutti Frutti is because the NTS is at pains to be ‘popular’, even if it means treating the audience like eejits, just so they can keep their highly paid staff in business (eg their Marketing Manager on 55K a year) Good luck to John Byrne – paid twice through the public purse for the same gig, once by the TV licence payers and again by the NTS. Did he put an advert on Ebay? Vintage TV scripts for sale? To be fair to Byrne though, it’s not his fault. In his brothel creepers, I’d have taken the money too, but wasn’t there a time when the BBC bagged the rights for everything they paid for?

No surprise then that the hacks have gone to sleep on this one. Every review so far has been glowing to the point of sycophancy, apart from the odd dig about the mad set and the choppy TV-style scenes. The fact that Dawn Steele can’t string three chords together doesn’t seem to bother the critics. Strikes me that if I wanted to watch a bunch of amateur musos my money would be better spent at karaoke night down the boozer. This is supposed to be the cream of Scottish theatre, after all, so at the very least it ought to have all the slickness of a Mamma Mia or a Chicago, not some clunky tribute band down the local Scout Hall, got up in the Emperor’s Second Hand Clothes. It’s sad to think that audiences across the country will probably lap this up, not because it’s any good, but because they’ve been told to.

The NTS has a bigger annual budget than Scottish Screen. Yet the last time I looked their very expensive website was out of order. Why am I not surprised? If their version of Tutti Frutti sets the standard of - as they threateningly announce - 'world class theatre for Scotland - and beyond', then maybe they ought to bring the curtain down. Preferably on Jack McConnell's head.