SCAMMERAMA

Good old allmediascotland.com, thanks for alerting us to the latest scam from WarpX.

What’s she on about now, you wonder?

Whenever I go to see a film these days, which can be anything from the latest Hollywood schlockbuster to the standard British no budget dud, I’m amazed at the number of producer credits. These come in many stripes, e.g.

Producer – the guy who puts their house up for the movie and does all the work

Line Producer – the guy who hires their mates then pays the rest of the crew in Whoppers

Executive Producer – the guy who gets paid more than he chipped in and does no work.

Co-executive Producer - ditto

Associate Producer – who the hell knows?

I first noticed this trend years ago, on the credits for American TV shows, you know, the ones with names like Randy Fischfinger or Amy Dwong, that last through to the advert break? Credit where credit’s due, you’d suppose – at least you’re watching something they spent money on.

By comparison, the UK equivalent’s a bit pathetic because it looks like anybody who read the script gets a producer handle. Usually this means some eejit from the BBC or Channel 4, plus any number of payrolled public servants whose egos get the better of them where a screen credit’s concerned.

Which brings me back to WarpX.

As far as I know, Warp, a record company with lots of pals called Chris, managed to con the Film Council out of a pile of cash for a low budget film scheme a while back. They put out a call to hungry filmmakers asking for submissions that were a) genre, b) contemporary and c) set in the UK. The more sceptical among us already knew the films were a done deal with their mates, so didn’t bother to apply. And what did they commission? A period drama set in France. Good one, guys. Public money well spent and I don’t think.

But here’s the thing. Not content with kidding us on about a level playing field, WarpX has decided to jump on the horror bandwagon. On a premise flimsier than my knickers, they’ve hooked up with another dodgy outfit, Threshold Studios, whose one-page website looks like it was cooked up last night, to promote a scheme for female directors to make horror films. The reason? Because according to them, more women watch horror films than men, so it’s really sensible that women should be making them. It’s on a par with women making porn films, like they’ll bring some unique sensitivity to the genre, when all you want is a bit of horny titillation before the money shot. And it's vaguely insulting to women.

Before all you girlies rush to apply, a word of warning, because if you read the blurb it looks to me like WarpX and Threshold are a wee bit confused about what a director does. They say you don’t need to have a writer on board, but they still want not one, but three ideas for films from any budding director. Huh? Also troubling is the idea that through a ‘process of residential workshops, ‘specialised’ script editing and a lot of public fund-raiding fannying about, only two of the ideas will go ahead and if you’re lucky, in three years time you might finally get to make a crappy no-budget horror movie. Assuming the gravy train keeps on rolling for WarpX and Threshold, whose site promises they’ll be ‘broadcasting soon’. Broadcasting? Is that not another word for telly fodder? Of course it is – why else has Skillset got its grubby little moniker on it?

Where film and TV is concerned, here we have the biggest lie of recent times. It’s bad enough when a cheapo film boasts ten producers, but to have ten companies involved in so-called training when it’s unlikely that a film will come out the other end just shows how much of a mug’s game this ‘opportunity’ is.

What do aspiring female directors expect to get out of this scam? A couple of weekends in a crappy Ibis hotel in Sheffield, funded by taxpayers and Lottery money. If you're really lucky you’ll also get a weasly contract that steals your rights, pays you eff all and keeps the folks at WarpX and Threshold in salaries fatter than Jade Goody’s arse.

Quelle horreur…