WORMS ON A BUS

Yeah, yeah, shove up on that bandwagon…

But here’s the thing. Critics are soooo ready to pan Snakes on a Plane, which deserves an award for the title alone, yet as dumb action movies go, at least it got made and at least it’s got all the production values you expect from an action movie, dumb or not.

Meanwhile in Scotland – and no, Braveheart was a long time ago and anyway it’s American – we can only dream of making a movie as trashily great as SOAP. The closest we get to action is games, which may be underwhelming when it comes to original narrative but otherwise do a great job of packing the action in. They’re also good at hiding their national origins. Who can blame the game boys for the cover-up?

Far better to pretend to be from LA or Mongolian – anything but Scottish – because in the international arena, Scotland is a mythical place eternally trapped in the 14th century - a place populated with large aquatic monsters, violent men in woolly blankets capable of living on a diet of gorse and for that George Lucas appeal, cute little haggis running round hills on two short legs. If you’re not laughing, you’re scared of being hacked to death with a claymore.

I had an uncle way back in the 70s who told my cousins he couldn’t buy a colour telly because their flat was so damp the colours would run. Modern day Scotland as imagined by filmmakers is an equally mythical, monochrome state, where you’re more likely to come up against a blootered blade wielding patter merchant who lives on chips and curry sauce than an action hero. Scotland’s idea of an action movie is somebody getting a bus, where there’s more life in the vomit on the floor than the passengers. Now there’s an idea…

A sneaky item in the Guardian recently –

http://arts.guardian.co.uk/edinburgh2006/story/0,,1839529,00.html

- pretty much sums up the lack of ambition and ignorance when it comes to homegrown movies. Commenting on the smoking ban, a Scottish Screen spokesperson suggested that to counter the lack of fag action in movies the answer is ‘special effects’. Great idea. And how do you pull that off when the average Scottish film budget is about £4.50? Is there a cheapo software package out there called Mayfair FX V.10 I haven't heard about?

Worms on a Bus is about our level, starring Shuggy P. Jackson. Costumes by Pitlochry Woollen Mills and catering sponsored by the Parks Department. Munch, munch…