GRAVY TRAINING

How many film, TV and media graduates, I wonder, crawled out of their beds this morning, grabbed a coffee, a quick bowl of Cheerios and ran out the door to catch a bus to face another 8 hours of drudgery down the local mall, call centre or fast food joint?

It’s a scenario repeated across the country, year after year. Because when government talks about skills and training for the creative industries what they don’t talk about is a dirty little truth – namely that this country has the world’s most overqualified coffee makers, pint pullers and checkout ops.

I’m not complaining. After all it can’t be any worse than the lucky few clocking up 14 hours a day as an underpaid skivvy at some two bit TV outfit, local rag or non-job at a publicly-backed initiative. Like a lot of my peers I regularly trawl the sites looking for a break – film schemes, business start-ups, you name it – anything to put my very expensive education to good use. What I see time and again is a colossal waste of money called training.

Yep, training. Then some more training. Followed by a wee bit of skills updating. And after that, yet more training.

It’s a daunting prospect to realise that after two, three or even four years in some educational institution, the majority of folks who did their work and got into debt to do it have nothing better to look forward to than signing up to hear some unemployed screenwriter or clapped out producer (usually with only two shorts to their credit) drone on about the film and telly game like it’s some mythical country. Don’t forget the only reason they’re standing there is because they can’t get a job either, but with mortgages to pay they too are forced to invent irrelevant tosh about how to break into the biz.

For example -

New Entrant Technical Training Programme includes opportunities to work over TWO YEARS full time, as technical assistants across film and television.

The Independent Companies Researcher Training Scheme trains people to become high quality researchers in factual programming. This is an apprenticeship-style training with four 4 month blocks of attachments with three or four independent production companies over 18 MONTHS.

Setcrafts Apprenticeship Training Scheme. During the TWO YEARS apprentices will be attached to a number of construction crews across a range of feature films and commercials and will gain real practical "on the job training".

I’ve known shorter jail sentences. And no mention of payment either. But am I wrong in thinking that 2 years or 18 months is a long time in training after you’ve spent four years in training? You might think, to hell with it, why bother going to uni or college at all? Yet to win a place on any of these schemes, you’re usually expected to show some kind of qualification to start with. The brutal reality for most graduates is the need to get out there pronto and earn some cash, not apply for sub-minimum wage subsistence to learn things - assuming you didn’t squander your student loan in the pub - you already know.

What we’re looking at here is a game show mentality where we’re all meant to rip each other’s throats out for a placement as a 12K a year researcher gig at the BBC.

If you can be bothered try reading this – http://scotland.ideasfactory.com/careers/features/feature35.htm

Note the phrase about PD150 skills. After all, chances are after six weeks you’ll be shooting BBC programmes on a Z1 and editing them yourself in a dark cupboard for the same money.

Apart from toughing it out on some scheme, here’s the dilemma. How exactly is anybody expected to eat/pay rent/mobile bills while hanging around waiting for the break? Are you supposed to drop your low-paid day job for the chance of another? Will anybody fork out for your bus fare for the interview? If all this training’s meant to help willing candidates, why is so much moolah being spent on training courses while the poor downtrodden hopefuls can’t afford a Gregg’s sausage roll? Maybe because the kind of people who run courses, the kind of people who once dreamt of a film or telly career themselves have to cash in, having learned the hard way what a myth it all is. And they make sure they get theirs ahead of the wannabes.

Just how much more training can we take? According to the completely useless Skillset website there’s now over 5000 courses in the UK for film and TV. And that’s not counting all the pishy wee ones you read about on Shooting People set up by skint filmmakers trying to fleece the unsuspecting punter. My point being if all of this training actually achieved anything, then how come we’re not making brilliant films and telly by the truckload? With all of this expertise going around, why aren’t we skelping Hollywood’s arse?

Here’s why. Because it’s a fiction and it doesn’t work. Unlike the majority of graduates trying to pay off their debts. So maybe the next time you’re in Starbucks or Top Shop, spare a thought for the person serving you. You might just be looking at the next Christopher Nolan or Sophia Coppolla – well, judging by the way her career’s heading, there’s a pretty good chance she'll soon be training to work at old MacDonald's Farm.