COOKING WITH CHASTITY

Hiya, zat the Endemol Weegie oafice?

No, this is Endemol Glasgow, can I ask who’s calling?

It’s me, Chastity Zoomer, fillummaker. But ah dae telly an’ aw. Ye lookin’ fur any programme ideas?

I’m sorry? Say that again?

Programme ideas. Fur the telly. Seein’ as BB’s nearly done n’ at. Ah’ve goat a pure cracker fur ye, reality show. Zat no’ whit you lot dae?

Well, if you’d like to submit a treatment…

Treatment? Whit fur? This wan’s a belter, man. Cookry.

Cookery?

Aye, cookry, but no’ yer Gordon effin Ramsay pish. Guy’s goat a face like a biled shite.

A what?

Ye waant tae hear this ur naw? Ye get in a few tap slebs, right? Stick ‘em in a hoose in Foxbar and get ‘em tae phone out fur a ruby, ur a pizza an’ at. Ur a chinky…

I’m sorry?

Hing oan, ah’m brekkin’ up here, the signal’s pish. Ye there? So ye get a coupla chefs workin’ in the kerry oot, y’know, like Jamie Oliver an’ at. See if they kin beat the cloak. Gie ‘em aboot twinty minutes.

Uh-huh, then what?

Ah but, here’s the brulliant bit. Ye get in a few neds tae deliver the kerry oots but ye gie them a hard time, know? Like mad dugs an’ at. Ur tan thur motors, ye wi’ me?

No, I don’t quite understand…

How no? It’s meant tae be drama, so it is! Then ye see aw the slebs go aff thur chump coz thur aw hank marvin, ye gettit?

I think so, but what’s the point of that?

Ye dief ur whit, hen? The punters vote tae keep the slebs in, no’ oot! Fuck, um ah talkin’ tae masel’ here?

(cue loud click)

Hullo, ye still there? Hullo? Well, ye better no' steal it aff me, by thi way. Copyright n' at.