THE LESSER SPOTTED ZOOMER

For once it’s not all bad news on the Scottish film front, what with the Glasgow Film Office quietly getting on with the business of supporting films being shot here.

Though I guess if my name was Harmony Korine (above), I’d have no problems getting what even the GFO describe as an ‘outlandish’ plot into production. To quote from their site -

"This is a yarn about a young American lost in Paris, eking out a living as a Michael Jackson lookalike. By coincidence, he meets Marilyn Monroe. He follows her to a commune in Scotland, joining her husband Charlie Chaplin and her daughter Shirley Temple. Fellow residents include The Pope, The Queen of England, Madonna and James Dean. The drama is also partly set in a Brazilian forest where a community of missionary nuns bring aid to the locals".

The film stars Diego Luna, Anita Pallenberg, Werner Herzog and Samantha Morton. A cast to conjure with, if not to die for.

Somehow I think if yours truly from Paisley was the writer/director, I’d be more likely to get a kick in the arse before I’d get a cheque from Lenny and a mention in Screen International and the Guardian. And that’s where we Scottish filmmakers are going wrong. Maybe we should reinvent ourselves as grungers with funny names and American accents because it’s obviously got more cachet with local funders than being Scottish with zilch profile in trendy mags. Still, it just might be worth a shot…

"Zat the Glesga Film Oaffice?"

"It is, hi, how can we help?"

"Oh, hiya, ma name’s Chastity Zoomer, y’know, fillummaker? Ye mighta hearda me. Ah'm lookin’ tae dae a movie an’… "

"Sorry, what was the name again?

"Chastity - as in nae nooky? Zoomer – as in Zoo. Waant me ‘ae spell it fur ye? Z-O-O-"

"That's okay. And you say you're a filmmaker?"

"Aye, too right ah um. See, ah’ve goat a pure brulliant idea fur a fillum…"

"Uh-huh..?"

"Aye, aboot aw these dead famous guys in a mental home, y’know? The Pope, her Maj, coupla deid film stars an’at – pure amazin’, so it is.

(cue sudden loud click)

"Hello? Hello? Ye still there? Ah'm runnin' oota credit here..."

Good for Harmony though – with a handle like that he must have got a few doings at school, the poor soul. And good for underemployed Glasgow-based companies. They could sure use the work.