CABBA CABBA HAY

Supposing the Film Council suddenly shut up shop, you'd think more than a few disgruntled filmmakers would have something to say about it. Alas not here in Scotland, where the talent's already too downtrodden to give one about the demise of Scottish Screen or the latest missive from its CEO, Ken Hay aka Obi-Wan-Ken-Nobody, as he goes about his highly-remunerated business.

Who can blame us? Life's bad enough here now our streets are full of tetchy smokers, where Glasgow retains the proud title as murder capital of Europe and the average life expectancy is on a par with Somalia. Anyone dumb enough to be a filmmaker isn't going to win much sympathy.

A year into the job, Ken can congratulate himself. Not only has he pulled down the agency's website and replaced it with one more geared to say, civil engineering, he's managed to insult virtually every filmmaker in the land by saying that their rubbish shorts can't find an audience and don't make economic sense.

Duh, hello - since when did a short ever turn a buck?

Like Zippo lighters, casual sex and supporting Partick Thistle, making short films is a hobby - or at least it was until SS got into bed with the local telly tarts on the likes of Tartan Shorts and New Found Land and turned producer-baiting into a national pastime. Anyway, to say shorts are a waste of space is like saying karaoke singers ought to be banned because they'll never clinch a major record deal.

According to our Ken, the future of film can be found in the back of a taxi, thanks to sinister outfit Cab'ti'vate who fit screens in the back of black cabs. So at least we'll have something to distract us while being groped or throwing up. The other plus is not having to talk to the back of the driver's head. Which, according to realfastblacks. co.uk, might be entertaining because the screens, positioned two inches from their bonces, emit deadly radiation.

So apart from cabbie's heads frying, what else will we be watching? Adverts on the dangers of passive smoking? Or standard Scottish short film fare where the plots usually revolve round abused-but-plucky kids, drunk fathers, football and homeless junkies - with hilarious results. But since there's no off switch, expect a rise in sales of marker pens, handy for defacing some of our lesser-known actors. Call it Scotland's version of CGI.

Nice one, Ken. You excel at writing pie-in-the-sky policies, but by handing large wads of cash to Skillset and TV all you're doing is admitting your agency doesn't have the chops to train people or decide what a good film is. By going all out to attract Hollywood rather than support local filmmakers, you're writing us out of the script and like that other ex-pat, Tony Blair, selling us out to save your own skin. The only paperwork that could ever lure the big bananas here is the folding, spendable kind - but sadly Scottish Screen's coffers aren't deep enough to pay for Harvey's lunch, let alone co-invest in a major movie.

To claim that playing host to Hollywood will create lots of jobs is baloney. Go tell it to imported filmmaker Sylvan Chomet, whose Edinburgh-based animation company (heavily subbed locally and by Universal) this week closed its doors. Looks like it's not just Scottish filmmakers getting on their bikes. At least we'll be saving on taxis...