OH YES SHE WILL

Christmas is round the corner, like we need reminding. Still, it’s good to know that in some quarters there are people who just can’t stop giving. Earlier this year I wrote a piece on Easterhouse and how the National Theatre of Scotland didn’t want to live there, there being a flashy £10 million arts centre, The Bridge, because it was deemed ‘too small’. For what? Their egos?

Today’s Herald runs a piece about the soon-to-be homeless NTS, and how fairy godmother and Scottish culture minister, Linda Fabiani, has answered Vicky Featherstone’s letter to Santa by giving her a whole new building – The Shed, a former shipbuilding site in Govan. Not that the NTS is handing back the Bridge. They’re keeping that for their youth arm. But with the lease running out at their other branch in Hope Street, a deal’s been struck with the owner of The Shed, Angus McMillan who, so the article claims, has been waiting 17 years to flog it to an arts organisation.

I guess in Mr McMillan’s opinion film doesn’t qualify as art which is why Film City Glasgow is slumming it in the old Govan Town Hall. And I’m sure Mr McMillan’s altruism when it comes to arts patronage has nothing to do with the undisclosed amount he’ll earn when he flogs his empty shed to the Scottish Government to house the NTS.

For a company that claims they’re not interested in buildings, the NTS sure has an interest in buildings. While film companies stump up for production offices, storage and rehearsal space, the NTS gets handouts galore, presumably because it has the words ‘National’ and ‘Scotland’ in the title. Maybe it’s time some enterprising film producer started the ‘National Film Company of Scotland’, though there's a better chance of the ugly sister shagging Prince Charming than Cinderella filmmakers getting a similar deal.

The one question not being asked here is how much is this going to cost the taxpayer. Buying an empty shed is one thing, but refitting it to suit the NTS is another. One thing’s for sure – it’ll cost a lot more than its neighbour, Film City, just as I’m sure the good folk of Govan won’t benefit one iota from having a private theatre club on its doorstep. And pity the poor actor having to rehearse in a big cold shed, though judging by the way the NTS spends our money I wouldn’t be surprised if Vicky’s round the back burning shedloads of twenty quid notes.

As long as they don’t stage a revival of The Ship.

REJECT PILE

Spotted in today’s Guardian Comment is Free - a lively discussion on the rejection letter to celebrated filmmaker, Tony Palmer, from the BBC when he pitched his doco on the life of composer, Vaughan Williams. The film is now scheduled to screen on that champion of arts programming, Channel Five.

As rejections go, the BBC letter’s too good to be faked, as some sceptics suggest.

“Dear Mr Palmer,

Thank you for your enquiry about the composer Mr V Williams. Having looked at our own activity via the lens of find, play & share, we came to the conclusion that a film about Mr Williams would not be appropriate at this time. This is essentially because we are... reconstructing the architecture of bbc.co.uk, and to do that, we need to maximise the routes to content.

We must establish the tools that allow shared behaviours, and so harness the power of the audience and our network to make our content more findable. We have decided to take a radically new approach... and therefore free resources for projects of real ambition... So, given that this is the new vision for Vision, you will understand why a film about Mr V Williams such as you have proposed does not fit our remit. But good luck with the project, and do let me know if Mr V Williams has an important premiere in the future as this findability might allow us to reconsider.”

Cracker, isn’t it?

No signature, but who cares? When somebody’s kicking your teeth in, you don’t pay that much attention to who’s wearing the boots, although I think it’s more to do with Mr Palmer looking to spare somebody’s blushes. Still, the letter could have been written by any number of 20-year-old Oxbridge graduates fondling their way up Auntie’s skirts. Never mind the sheer ignorance – eg. V. Williams, or the idea he's got an upcoming gig – phrases like ‘lens of find’ and ‘play and share’ are absolute gems of consultantese. As one commentator pointed out, this is the outfit that can put you in jail for not having a TV licence.

Being no stranger to rejection letters myself – from agents, producers, funders – I just wish they could be a bit more a) truthful and b) imaginative. The standard two-line letter telling you how the standard of applications was SO high is really just saying ‘by the way, you’re crap’. I’d rather hear that than how other folk are more talented.

Mislaid scripts and paperwork is another ruse. How many times have I heard that so-and-so had your script on their desk three months ago but how it mysteriously vanished. Where, into their shredder/recycle bin?

Come on, Tony, be a man about it. Time to name and shame. Folk go to jail for less.

FOLK RIGHT OFF

What does 30 quid buy you these days? Half a hairdo? A night in a crap hotel? A Czech hooker? Among my spam this week comes an invitation to join the latest in a long line of short-lived film networking websites. FilmingFolk.com bills itself as Scotland’s premier resource and networking community for anyone working, or wishing to gain experience, within the film and television industry. All for just £30 a year.

After all, when you can’t make a living out of the film business, surely the next best thing is to exploit all those wannabe filmmakers who are either too dumb or too lazy to find out for themselves that film isn’t some clandestine closed shop. All the information’s out there for free if you can be bothered to look, so who needs to spend 30 quid a year to read content written by other members who presumably joined up because they don’t have a clue about the business either.

You can’t shoot them for trying, but if I want to give somebody my money, I like to know who I’m giving it to. On FilmingFolk you'll find a Terry Dray, who has a single credit on IMDB as an AD on a short made five years ago, alongside Lynzie Dray and Christine Davidson, plus a couple of outfits purporting to be production companies, neither of which musters a Google ranking. Like, how much do they know about making films? Or, like most companies here, have they made the standard couple of shorts and the odd corporate?

Especially not enticing is the rate they charge for script feedback. I mean, £279 for ‘extensive analysis’ of a feature script? Are they kidding? Even the Script Factory only charges £75 for a feature script and at least they've got some screenwriting chops.

As for FilmingFolk’s 'short film competition', this really beggars belief. For a start they’re charging £25 to enter (£40 if you want feedback). And the prize? I quote -

“The winning script will be produced using a professional producer, director, crew and actors and will go into pre-production on Monday 3rd November 2008 for a 7 week shoot, which includes, development, pre-production, the shoot and edit time”.

Hello-oh? A 7-week shoot for a short? I think FilmingFolk must’ve got D minus at film school, because any idiot knows the shoot is the bit where you have a camera and actors, not the bit when you sit in front of a computer editing, or rewriting the script. It makes you wonder what the losers get – two scripts produced by FilmingFolk Productions Ltd?

If this sounds like a slagging, you’re dead right. It’s one thing to be fleeced by professionals, but it’s another to get mugged by a bunch of amateurs who clearly don’t have the first clue about making films or is qualified to teach anyone else how to. Because if they could, then why aren’t they doing it? Here's why - nobody in the real film business wants to fund films these days, especially films in Scotland. Even big grown-up filmmakers who know what they're doing can't make a living. So unless you want to starve...

FF has got what must be the world's wordiest website with delusional claims about how they deal with ‘industry professionals’. If that's so, then what’s the point of submitting the finished film to BAFTA Scotland? What do you think Alison Forsyth is going to do with it, apart from use it as a coaster? And as for the claims about getting the film to festivals – it’s just pish. Anybody can fill in a form for a festival but getting accepted is a whole lot harder.

If FF wants my advice, they should cut the crap, post their CVs, and get rid of their dumbass terms and conditions. By all means be in business, but don’t lie about your so-called expertise because you come across like a bunch of chancers. I've been shaken down by better than you guys. And finally, stop spamming me. I’d rather throw thirty quid down the toilet than sign up to you lot.